Ride On

RIDE ON OR FADE OUT

Settle For Life

Most of us are trapped in settle for lives. As we leave our young adult lives behind there can be a real sense of loss, even grief for missed opportunities. No one has a ready made formula to help us cope with the pain and trauma of these experiences and to overcome our concomitant fear of failure. It takes courage to hold onto our dreams - so we can activate our passion and purpose in life.

I do, however want to help you get there quicker than the 45 years it took me. By offering my insights into how to articulate and own your passion and purpose in life. And to nurture it despite what challenges living a human life entails.

My aim is to encourage you to choose to RIDE ON into your more mature adult life knowing who you are and what makes your soul sing. The earlier you grasp this the better chance you have to achieve your potential and inner peace.

And if that entails a challenging career transition or taking up an active even dangerous physical activity in your mature years that makes your soul sing then please believe in yourself that you have it within you to take the first step. And the next and the next.

At the very least hold onto the hope that it is never too late to be who you can be. Hold onto the belief and knowledge that you can get there even if it takes years and an ongoing unwavering commitment to overcoming obstacles that at times appear unsurmountable.

If it takes another 10 years or 20 years more does it really matter? So long as you make it happen. On your unique terms. Even if it is only for one day it will be worth it. Trust me I know.

Life is not standing on the right coloured carpet

Before my career ending work breakdown aged 55 I made 2 life affirming decisions. We bought a small acreage property on the outskirts of Melbourne . And I bought a horse. Finally at the age of 55 I backed myself. This would not have happened unless my partner challenged my priorities (I was talking about replacing the 50 year old floral carpet). Peter said:

“Life is not about standing on the right coloured carpet, go and buy your horse.”

Within 10 days I had bought an unsuitable, for a return rider (I had not ridden for 30 years except for one year of weekly lessons), 3 year old green broken in warmblood/thoroughbred chestnut gelding. Diarrado Kasperrado, Rad for short. The carpet would have been a lot cheaper!

It took me 45 years to summon up the courage and find the money to buy that “pony” my family could not afford. I will never know what I could have achieved competitively if only….

I had collected a lot of “if onlys” by the time I hit my middle years. 3 children in less than 2 years can do that. As can a serious RSI injury as a young solicitor. And being Jeffed at the age of 33.

Buying a young performance horse at the age of 55 years enabled me to RIDE ON in my life, to find my mettle, what I was made of. Would I, could I get back on the horse figuratively and in actuality?

A Desperate Decision with a gold lining

After 45 years, I was too desperate to escape my settle for life. I did not make a sensible horse purchasing decision. Still I have no regrets because I learned so much more about myself and how to own, care for, handle and ride a horse than if I had bought a sensible quiet horse. I now own 2 horses, a grey warmblood Irish Sports Horse mare, Skye. And tragically lost my quarter horse Sterling in January 2021.

I am now a fully qualified HSA (Horse Safety Association) Horse Instructor. And enjoy coaching others to ride. Erin is currently making wonderful progress in English dressage.

I soon learnt that a cowardly young green 16 hand horse is not the best choice. Especially not for riding bareback. This was an unrealistic goal of mine which led to a broken foot in 3 places. I was more realistic about choosing to usually ride in my sand arena. My falls cushioned by the soft sand.

Learning to ride a spirited, green horse led to numerous falls at canter. Rad, ever the practical joker would use his speed and strength to turf me off. Until one day I stood up from coming off again, dusted myself off, looked him in the eyes and told him that he would never do that again. And he hasn’t.

Curated Life Affirming Program

I would like to share with you my curated hard won insights and strategies, gleaned from my own ride on into my life experiences.

My aim is to equip you with the drive and practical knowledge to savour your own passion and purpose. Preferably in less than the 45 years it took me!

There is no formula, no right way. Those of us who have gone before you just want to improve your options. That’s all. Simple. I can provide you with a customised semi-structured framework to work through with or without a formal coach to guide you.

You will acquire life affirming tools and strength muscle, the resilience to lead yourself past the disappointments and constraints that you will inevitably face. You will become better able to grasp who you can be if you just believe in yourself enough to reach out and touch, smell, feel, hear, taste the potential of your own unique ride on passion and purpose.

What is that for you?

Only you know

The key is finding out what that is.

For yourself.

I Couldn’t Wait for Success So I Went Ahead Without It

Have you ever heard an Olympic athlete say that they made the decision to be an Olympian as a young child when, for example, they saw Kerrin Perkins swim in the 1500 metres? There he is on the pool deck a medal hanging from his neck. Mission accomplished.

For every gold medal Olympian there are many other just as talented people who don’t make it to the podium. And have to go on with their lives without this success –. You are the people I most care about. I know how that feels. And how much your heart aches when you realise that you are not going to make it, the goal that is. The golden goal. I couldn’t wait for success so I had to go on without it.

I dreamed of being a lawyer who helped people with their employment law issues, who made the workplace fairer and safer. However, running the first unfair dismissal case in Australia in the High Court, aged 25 I lost my admin support when my boss went on leave. 10 years later after a serious RSI injury, completing the Bar Readers Course, 3 months in hospital with a twin pregnancy and having been appointed to 2 government decision review boards I was Jeffed. Without as much as 1 week's pay.

My next job was working as a sessional legal studies teacher in TAFE, with no leave or superannuation entitlements and 3 primary aged children.

How does one recover from that? With humility, patience and courage. For me it entailed asking a real estate agent to find me the cheapest house to buy as an investment which he did and I did.

Later on, my career somewhat resurrected, I successfully completed the first Continuing Legal Education PhD in the English-speaking world and hardly a legal soul cared. Or even read the thesis.

There is no choice but to move on is there? Or simply shrivel up. I just kept on going.

Life Affirming Tools

You can acquire life affirming tools and strength muscle, resilience, to lead yourself past the disappointments and constraints that you will inevitably face.

Becoming able to grasp and hold onto who you can be. Need to be.

Believe in your purpose enough to reach out and touch, smell, feel, hear, taste the potential of your own unique ride on life self.

What is that for you?

Only you know?

The key is finding out what that is.

For yourself.

And never letting go.

Progress

10 years after buying my first horse I live on our small acreage with my 2 horses and provide Horse Experience Sessions for NDIS clients and Life Coaching. I have built a full size horse arena, round yard and small stable complex.

Core EQ offers a safe place for people with work related mental health issues, Asperger’s and ABI’s (acquired brain injury). Providing a small horse haven where the healing power of horses working with humans prospers. We offer counsel not therapy.

In commercial terms my small business is not really a success. Covid 19 put the brakes on for Core EQ and many other small businesses. However we also provide a community hub for humans and horses.

I live my values and action my beliefs - to make a positive difference for the people I encounter along life's journey.

If I ask the question: what makes my soul sing? I can hear my participants’ souls’ and my soul sing. I live my passion and purpose.

And I have so earned it.

Life is not a Dress Rehearsal

Are we going to commit to riding on into the best life we can muster with our current resources and capabilities or are we going to regretfully fade out of life?

The career progression we mapped out for ourselves as 20 somethings can veer off course as we encounter work politics and juggle the ever- growing demands of home, family, work, friends. And now Covid 19.

As we age we may acquire a personal trainer or cycle to work clinging onto our desire to remain fit and healthy even though we are mostly “chained” to a desk computer and our car ferrying children around.

Many of us start to face into unwanted mental health issues - often acquired at work or associated with a failed relationship, menopause or the child we never had.

Then one day it may hit us that OUR life is not a dress rehearsal. That we have already lived more years than we have left.

Acceptance of myself has brought with it enormous, overwhelming relief. Ironically in the year that I turn 65 I can finally ride on into my life, not my settle for “fitting in” life – when I was always trying to squeeze myself into what others wanted me to be and do.

Acceptance

I am still the 10 year old girl who wanted her own pony more than anything else in the world. And never got one. No bitterness about it. Instead a deep sadness - of missing out on discovering how far I could go in a riding career as the horse loving, courageous, athletic kid with a sense of adventure who enjoyed physical and psychological challenges.

Without the means to own a pony I channelled my athletic ability into athletics and swimming and became a state finalist hurdler and pool swimmer. In my twenties I rode BMW motorbikes and was the Vice-President of the Victorian BMW Motorcycle Club. I married the Club Captain. Peter and I have enjoyed many adventures together riding to Darwin and back on 2 BMWs and raising 3 children.

Many of us worry that there is insufficient time to get our work or athletic career, or both back on track - for our soul to sing. If we just give it another go, take on another demanding middle management role perhaps we can make it , fit in, this time.

At some stage we have to ask ourselves the question: are we ever going to “make it?” in a conventional sense. Perhaps not. Is it really helpful seeking outside affirmation about ourselves, our value, sense of identity from other people, partners, children, work colleagues?

Or might it simply be better to be– ourselves?

I left my “run”, my escape a year too late. More honestly 30 years too late. Burdened with the work of 4 people in a new role in a start up organisation with my promised administrative team arriving 6 months too late I experienced a career ending work breakdown.

Despite my best efforts over the past 10 years I have never regained my ability to function as a full-time work professional. I am no longer the person who wrote a PhD in 18 months.

It has taken me 10 years to write with this purpose and honesty about who I am.

Acceptance leads to clarity

Clarity leads to better decision- making

Better decision-making leads to a richer more meaningful life

I hope that by sharing my story, warts and all, that I may influence another person to accept what is, have the courage to change what they can about their own life and find the wisdom to know the difference. Yes this is the serenity prayer.

If my story resonates with you or someone you care about drop me an email or ring me and we’ll see about getting you back on the horse or in the driver’s seat in your own life. You will see my horses often in the course as they ground me.

Although not necessary I do my best work in the active company of my horses. Horses teach us how to be really present, to live in the moment. Active mindfulness.

Dr Deb 2022