Horses Healing Work Breakdown

It takes time to live through and beyond a work breakdown. Trust me I know. Been there done that. Not the same person anymore. For one I live outside with my horses, garden and dogs for most of our daylight hours - whatever the weather. Only coming in to share a meal with my partner and when the horses are in for the night. Or recently to write a blog. And hopefully in the near future able to visit my new grandchildren and provide care.

I am not the frantic driven person I used to be, trying to survive and thrive at work. You know the classic mother of 3 trying to keep on going when the rug keeps being pulled from under her. Rarely with adequate staffing and clearly without enough horse sense. More on that later.

For another I could not read a book for 5 years. Or write anything decent. Given I'd written my PhD in 18 months a few years earlier this was a significant change.

The Breakdown

Back to a very quick how it happened story, no names of course! Sitting in a small team meeting. Yes I did finally have a team. Too little too late. Already burnt out. Just running through the agenda. Sensing a weird sensation, people staring at me with concern. Slowly out of the fog a realisation that I was floundering, maybe even babbling - whatever, unable to read, get my words out, communicate even.

Meeting kindly shut down. Went home. Doctor said try going for long walks. Best advice ever, haven't stopped walking outside ever since. Its been nearly a decade. First day I walked for 5 kilometres in the pouring rain. Next day back to the city to see a counsellor, had to sit on a plant box because I had such a gripping pain in my chest - thought I was having a heart attack. Counsellor made me a cup of tea and sent me home. Didn't go into the city alone for years. Couldn't face it. Still mostly cant. Since then I've had to stop driving, pull over and let my brain and my senses catch up.

It would have been very tempting to lie down like Skye is in the photo below. She has given in at that moment, the physical pain too much to bear. Wouldn't it be lovely to rest on soft green grass and just give in to feeling awful. Horses look so ungainly and vulnerable when they are lying down. Here she is with her sore hoof (front off-side foreleg). You can see the white bandage wrapped around her hoof. In fact there are 3 layers involved. And it is no fun at all trying to get these bandages on your horse! Or off for that matter.

Skye had an abyss which is very painful. But horses can't lie down for very long because their weight will crush their internal organs. Skye had to stand up and get on with being a horse. Just as we too have to get up and get on with being a human.

The Recovery

Let's just say it hasn't been straightforward and is on-going. Coloured by the fact that during my work crisis I made an impulsive decision to buy a horse. Yes a real one. To save me? From myself? A totally unsuitable green 3 year old chestnut gelding, warmblood thoroughbred. Any horse people reading this will get that these animals are extremely strong, usually over 16 hands and slow to mature.

His nick name is Rad. He has a much longer more impressive name. Kasperrado Diarrado.

I have to admit that the young woman who had galloped across the Thredbo High Plains, 40 years earlier, on a quarter horse keeping up with the brumbies won the day. When we first met Rad came up to me, nuzzled my head and won my heart. Our relationship hasn't been that uncomplicated since.

Intriguingly Rad was an anxious horse with confidence issues. Remind you of anyone? You got it - me! So of course we were a terrible match. Not that his breeder or my family would have been able to convince me otherwise. We are still together, many years later.

Rad's Gift

Rad greatest gift to me has been to teach me humility, patience and to live only in the precious moment that morphs into eons. In many of those treasured moments I have come unstuck collecting a few injuries along the way such as a complex fractured foot in the first year.

I was thrust out of my depth on the very first day that I trucked Rad to his new home, an upmarket agistment property with all the bells and whistles. Within a few weeks he would rear when I simply tried to take him out of his paddock.

Rad understood that I knew nothing and wasn't to be trusted as his leader. And he certainly didn't have enough confidence to be the leader. One day he literally ran away from me as I was about to mount him and galloped to some magnificent dressage horses at the other end of the arena begging them to save him from this incompetent person. Me! That really teaches humility.

When I loaded Rad 6 months later on a truck to take him to a closer, more sensible for us, property he was so wild that people who worked there told me outright that I should sell him. And get myself a nice schoolmaster.

Horses Heal Humans; Humans Can Also Heal Horses

For some inexplicable reason, in my desperation to get well, I believed that I had to persist with Rad. I wasn't prepared to give up on him or us. Languishing in my excruciating discomfort without the answers and sometimes without even knowing the questions was the only thing that would make a meaningful improvement to my mental wellbeing. He was my talisman and guide to improved mental health . For both of us.

I recruited a wonderful coach who walked beside me for 5 years and kept him and me as safe as is possible when you are dealing with 500 kilos and a return rider who was often not having a good day. And didn't know the basics about caring for a horse. Riding a horse is 10% or less - the easy bit. Thank-you Foxy.

There have been other coaches, thank-you Daniel and Mandy. And Bin who is my special horse buddy.

The Day Rad Came Home

About 5 years later I floated Rad and his buddy Skye, home to our small horse property on the Mornington Peninsula. We had come a long way. Now there was an arena, round yard, small stable complex and 6 paddocks. Just for us and soon after also shared by my local horse community. We were home, safe and secure.

Our own precious place where humans and horses could thrive together and continue to teach and challenge one another every single day.

We are now grown up enough to invite coaching, including NDIS clients, into our healthy place. We learn and walk beside them also. And together we grow The journey continues.

Dr Deborah Hann

2021